Jun 16, 2007

lost confidence

Friday night I went and ran 3 miles at the Bellevue half mile track with the only goal to be able to say "yeah no pain"... I almost made it but I guess it was just not meant to be because on the last quarter of a mile my left leg started to lock/tighten up. I guess at least I was able to make it about 2.75m miles with no pain yeah. Hmm just does not have the same ring to it.. oh well I guess there will be more elliptical stuff and other cross training. Afterwards I felt VERY disappointed. I don't love running my any means yet but I HATE not being able to run. Kyle was nice enough to help massage and loosen up my leg but over all the experience was kind of a bummer. Kyle also looked at the wear on my shoes and it very obvious that I am not running centered on my feet - I run very much on the outside of my foot which then puts tension on the outside of my leg ect. I'm hoping that with some running drills I can correct this and get on with my running.
Saturday(today) morning the crew (minus Futa) met up north near the Maltby Cafe for a 50ish mile ride. The plan was to connect to the Lake Stevens 70.3 bike course to see what it was like ect. I woke up not really stoked to ride and that feeling never really wore off - I know that I was still thinking about not being able to run which just brings me down right now. Anyway we got going after dinking with bikes and gear - it was surprisingly chilly even though I wore my capris, vest and arm warmers.
My goal/focus for the ride was to work on eating while riding so to start I took a salt tab using the wonderful salt stick which was much easier than the zip lock bag I used before so that was good. Actually in the eating department things were going fine through the first 10-15 miles - ate a gel no problem - drank acceleraide and water... Until we got on some roads with no shoulder and lots or big trucks that seemed to not share the road which made me very reluctant to move my hands away from my handle bars to do anything - so my consumption went down drastically. By the time there was less traffic I just kind of forgot to eat/drink much. Around this same time we became somewhat lost - the map said one thing and the road signs said another - this also caused me to think I should hold off eating to much since I may need it later if we are out riding longer than I expected.. Yes I know this is dumb now looking back but still that is what I thought and did. I actually did not eat another gel the rest of the ride - I did have a snickers bar, half a bottle of gatoriade and a bike of Kyle's hot dog when we stopped at some little store along the centennial trail on our way back. Before the final climb back to our cars (well probably 5 miles) Kyle noticed that my water bottles were almost completely full then proceeded to scold me and then when I did not drink more he even yelled at me to drink - even using that I knew that Col would say the same thing and so on.. He was very persistent so I did drink a bunch of my accelraide bottle. So not the best example of fallowing my nutrition plan..
Now the rest of the ride - I sucked today I could not hold a wheel (with only a few exceptions when I feared for my life if I did not), climb, spin - pretty much I was slow (and useless;).. The crew had to wait for me multiple times when we had to turn off or something so I did not get lost - they were all very nice about it and said it was no big deal and stuff. I felt bad holding them up but I just did not feel any sort of spark to make me pick up the pace - I just did not have it in me today. Which was retarded my legs pretty much felt fine until the very end when they got sort of tight but I'm sure that had way more to do with my lack of nutrition the second half of the ride than anything else. I guess I can't really only explain it and I just did not feel like I could do it - which again is dumb because only a couple of weeks ago I was doing great - I could climb - do what ever - I was not getting dropped all the time..
I know it does not have to do with my body it has to do with my head and how I feel about my abilities right now and to be honest I feel like I suck (which I of course then did). I know that after Vancouver half marathon I lost some confidence and then in Hawaii I was really disappointed (yes I know logically I did just fine even good esp on the swim and the bike and I finished) but ever since that run/walk I have been a mess and I don't really know how to get my head/thoughts back in order. I am a total newbie to a lot of the triathlon stuff but the mental side of things has defiantly become the hardest aspect of the entire process. I am very aware that I need to find my confidence again I just don't know how I will do it... Kyle suggested I just wake up and start being cocky and use it as a jumping place and eventually I will be confident again as I see improvements or something. But that does not really feel right so who know knows I only have so much time before IMC when I need to be at my best in every way to make it through the day...

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